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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It annoys my family and friends and workmates, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or vulnerability, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and worry.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.